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Category: Author’s Musings

I think about a lot of things, be it writing, life, or all points in between.

I write, therefore, I am…

I’ve decided this year that I’m ditching the word “hope”. I’m going to stop hoping for things: hoping to get better, hoping to get back to my writing, hoping to get back to my art. Hope is for those who lack the will to actually /do/ something.

I plan on doing things. So this year, my keyword is determined. I’m determined to get better, determined to get back to my writing, and determined to get back to my art.

That was a post I made a few hours ago on Facebook.  True to my word, here I am to update my blog and get back on the right path for myself and my life.  I may still stumble from time to time, since I’m still struggling a bit with my auto-immunity issues and finding some decent pain management, but I’m determined not to let it continue to drag me down.  I have a lot of things I want to get done, a lot of them that I will likely pay for in pain, but that’s what it takes.  I won’t always be at my best, but at least I’ll know that I put forth the effort.

To that end, you’ll probably see more on this blog than you have in the past couple of years.  A lot of it will probably be nonsense writing from my forays into the world of Hydaelyn on Final Fantasy XIV Online, some of it will even be from my adventures with the Table of Fantasy Awesomeness every Wednesday with our Dungeons & Dragons Adventurers League table.  You might even get some of my classic writing and roleplaying prompts, or my oftentimes opinionated self ranting about one nerd-topic or another.  Whatever comes in the days ahead, I want to live up to the mantra that features so readily on this website as a hallmark to my life:  I write, therefore, I am.

 

Growing Up Right

When I was young my parents never said, “You must be a Roman Catholic or a Southern Baptist.  You have to choose, one or the other.”  They felt that religion, or the lack thereof, was a personal decision that I should make on my own when I felt the time was right.  It’s something that I largely love and respect them for because it’s let me explore the world without having it colored by the perceptions of heavy-handed doctrine.

I was also never taught that I should hate someone for their race, their religion, or their sexual orientation.  Growing up, I had friends of all kinds of colors, from all kinds of creeds, straight friends, homosexual friends, trans-gender friends, and probably friends from every other kind of fringe element.  I’ve never looked at them and said, “Hey, I should probably not like you because you’re different from me.”

I base my like and dislike of people on how they treat me and by their actions, because — as the saying goes — actions speak louder than words.  We are, each of us, the sum of how and who we are with other people.  Humanity is not an exploration of the individual, but rather how we are together as a society.  It both amazes and astounds me that there are still people in the world who don’t understand this concept.

Back to Writing Roots

Before there was a dream of publication…

Before there was talk of books and being an author…

There was just a girl with a blog that enjoyed writing.  Somewhere in the process of the journey to become an author, I lost sight of that girl that I used to be.  The one who wrote for love of the written word.  Not for fame.  Not for fortune.  Not for the dream of being read by many.  I wrote because it was what I loved to do and I wrote about anything and everything I wanted.  I didn’t worry about my image; I didn’t worry about having a marketable website presence.  I just wrote.

It didn’t matter if it was fiction, my personal opinion, or just stuff from my everyday life.  It was merely me and my near-daily journey with the written word.  I don’t know how or why I ever lost sight of that love.  Perhaps being forced into too many molds, trying to live up to too many expectations; somewhere along the line I stopped writing for me and writing to “be” someone.

With everything that’s happened in my life in the past year, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on things and despite that I’m still as sick as I ever was, I still find that there are moments in which I feel like writing something.  It may be a rant, it may be a stories inspired by my roleplaying adventures, or it could just be my thoughts on things that happen in my life or in the world itself.

So, here we go again, word-fans.  We’re going back to our roots and see what flourishes from there.

Coming Up For Air

For the first time in months, I have enough clarity to make the attempt to write something — namely this post.  Until you’ve experienced debilitating chronic pain first-hand it’s difficult to comprehend.  I know, because I watch the people around me — friends, family, even completely strangers — that have no earthly clue.  It’s made this journey a lot lonelier than it had to be, but it’s also made me a stronger, more independent person.

I’m sure the burning question on everyone’s mind is:  What’s going on with you now?

To be completely honest, I don’t know yet.  My current therapy is a weekly injection called Enbrel.  I’m on that for the next three months to see if it’s actually going to stick — unlike every pill therapy we’ve tried before it.  It’s difficult for me to plan anything right now because I don’t know if the pain might come back tomorrow.  Or a week from now.  Or a month.  You get the picture.

To that end, I stepped down from my scheduled appearances at Comicpalooza because I want to focus on healing first.  I don’t want to meet-and-greet people and fans when my face is covered in psoriasis scales.  It’s embarrassing for me and I’m sure it’s uncomfortable for them.  I also want to have more to offer potential readers than a self-help book.  It’s useful and it’s enjoyable, but people love fiction.

So, when I’m able, I plan on continuing work on Riftwalker Chronicles as well as dusting off Journey of Excalibur.  Both are stories that I love and want to finish — that need to be finished, my Muse has spoken.  After that, I might delve into some of my old files and do some work with my home-crafted world of Oridosha and resurrect my Tyberan from the verge of fiction extinction.  We’ll see!

It was good to finally come up for air.  There for a while, I felt like I was drowning in my misery.  With everything I’ve been through in the past couple of years it’s hard not to be skeptical of everything, but I’m clinging to hope with everything that I have.  I want to be better.  I have novels to write!

Siege Mentality

Siege mentality.  It’s something a friend said to me in an email today when I wrote to her about everything I’ve been feeling since yesterday’s Rheumatologist appointment.  It’s time to bar the doors of the castle, buckle down, and dig in against the invaders.  Prepare for the worst and however long it will take to break the siege.

I stand on the ramparts of my castle, looking out over the fields and watching as the invaders pillage and burn everything I’ve come to know and love.  It saddens me and it angers me; I want to ride out and destroy them with every fiber of my being.  But this isn’t that kind of war.  This is a war of waiting and attrition; the Fates alone deciding which side will break first.

I am alone in this fight.  There are no reinforcements coming, no answers to our horns of war.  Only me and what few faithful knights remain to me.  They rally behind me, my spirit bolstered by their loyal courage which gives me the strength to endure and the wisdom to wait.  Not patiently, but I wait all the same.

Battles I have fought and won aplenty in my life.  I endured and survived then, as I shall do now.  Though the numbers the Fates have lined against me are many and hope seems to dwindle with each passing day, I cannot resign myself to defeat.  Elsewise, everything I have lost will stay lost and all I have endured to this point will have been for naught.

So I stare out over the battlements as the dark masses of the enemy cover the world as far as the eye can see.  I cannot know when this siege will be over or if it will ever be, whatever comes though, I shall endure.

And I will still be standing at the end.

Gamer. Geek. Goddess.

RPG-InternationalWomensDayIn celebration of International Women’s Day, I want to celebrate all the facets that make me the woman I am.  It’s high time we started celebrating everything about us and stop letting society stuff us into idealized little pigeonholes.  Embrace being a “tomboy”; embrace being a “gamer” or a “geek”; embrace everything that makes you the greatest and most engaging woman you know how to be.

The Gamer

I enjoy video games, even if I’m not really all that good at them.  I think the only game I’ve finished to-date is Skies of Arcadia for the Dreamcast.  (Yes, the Dreamcast.)  My favorite genre, if you haven’t figured it out by now, is Roleplaying Games (RPGs).  I remember tooling around in Dragon Warrior way back in the day, or playing Gauntlet in the Arcade (Blue Valkyrie needs food badly!), all the way up to the present day and my forays into Azeroth and World of Warcraft.

It’s not just limited to video games, though.  I play a lot of tabletop, too.  I used to play Warhammer 40k, had my own Sisters of Battle army and everything.  I’ve also run the gamut on pencil and paper RPGs, from d6 Star Wars all the way to a swashbucking squirrel in Ironclaw.  I’m even currently playing in a D&D 3.5ed Forgotten Realms campaign whenever we can manage to get our group together.

I love playing characters on grand adventures.  I enjoy fleshing them out, breathing life into their stories.  Sometimes I’ll even doodle a sketch or two.  Gaming, for me, serves as both inspiration for writing as well as a place to relax, be among friends, and just have a good time.

The Geek

Anime.  Fantasy Fiction.  Arthurian Fiction.  Symphonic Metal.  Cooking.  Photography.  Writing.  There are a dozen or more geekdoms I could tack on, because I love and enjoy so many different things.  Not only are they things I can do on my own, but they open doors to finding other people who are equally (or sometimes more) passionate than I am about them.

Despite the fact that I’m shy, I enjoy talking to people.  I know, I know, it’s a contradiction in terms, but I “talk” a lot on forums or in online communities.  I enjoy sharing and being shared with — when it’s not just some dumb meme or the latest lolcat circulating the web.  I like sharing meaningful conversations about things that we’re passionate about and the things that interest or entertain us.

I like it when people feel excited about the things they’re geeky about, because it makes me excited for them — and sometimes even curious.  Like I just started watching the anime Full Metal Alchemist — I’m behind the times, I know.  A friend couldn’t stop talking about it, so I had to see what all the fuss was about.  It’s because of that exuberance, though, that I felt the urge to check it out.  It’s how we should all be about the things that matter to us.

Share and enjoy being shared with.  You never know what you’ll discover.

The Goddess

Some might look at me and think goddess is too strong a word or that I might be conceited.  However, this isn’t really a matter of ego.  I love who I am and I embrace everything about me, flaws and all, just like I try to do the same for others around me.  Beyond that, I try to encourage and inspire others, to nudge them toward things they dream or aspire to.

I am strength.  I am beauty.  I am wisdom.  I am compassion.  All these things combined — at least in my eyes — make me a goddess.  I don’t need to be worshiped and I don’t need people to agree.  It’s just part of embracing all the facets that make me me.

And there’s nobody else quite like.